"Into your hands, I commit my spirit; deliver me, oh Lord, my faithful God.” Psalm 35:1 (NIV)
I usually prefer to take matters into my own hands and not give up control to anyone else. Going through life with that "firm grip" seems to be my MO more than I had realized. Through a set of circumstances recently, I began to see just how tight that script of control plays out in everyday life.
Psalms 31:5 speaks of placing our "spirit" into God's hands, but how does this work in my daily decision-making? I may say, "This situation is in God’s hands," or "I'm not worried about it - I’m trusting Jesus," but many years of living tell me this is more easily said than done!
How do we live in the tension between making decisions, worrying, and strategic planning versus relaxing back into God's loving arms, letting Him take over?
Psalm 62 talks about "finding rest in God. It states, “My soul finds rest in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress; I will never be shaken."
Never be shaken? Does this mean I should be so confident in my God that nothing causes me to worry, fret, or fear? "Never be shaken" – A cancer diagnosis? Job loss? Loss of friends or family? Raising kids? Financial worries? Change of address? Change of churches? Misunderstandings? Declining health? Feelings of failure? Loneliness? - you finish the list. "I will never be shaken”? Really? I like the concept, but it seems impossible! How do I come to that place of trust, and how do I find “rest” in God alone?
It is hard to trust or rely on someone I don’t know. Sometimes, amid stress and uncertainty, when questions demand answers, I must breathe deeply and start recalling when God clearly showed up in the past. In this sense, I do know Him. For me, remembering and naming times He arrived at the right moment and recalling the miracles born in despairing situations. I recollect when prayers went unanswered, when tragedy did happen, and yet, God rereleased His grace, again and again, to get me through the grief.
It was remembering when doors swung open that had been locked. Remembering walking in the darkness, frantically feeling for the light switch, crying, "Oh God, please help me!". It's the remembering of these moments that helps me move to the window of hope and cast aside the heavy drapes of fear, failure, and despair to see once again the “light” of God. It's in those moments of the past that God was so clearly present.
Remembering what God has done in the past, gives me the power to open my hands to the uncertainty of today with a sigh of relief and calmness to cope and make good decisions. My questions and my frustrations seem to fade as I once more, remember, "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock, my fortress, and my salvation, I will never be shaken”. It's in the remembering and looking back that I am given hope to move forward and to loosen my grip on control.
Postscript: I journaled this in 2010 and once again I’m facing a challenging moment when my prayers are going “unanswered”. I’ve been wrestling with God - asking him why he’s not healing my husband. But in my wrestling, I came across this writing. I realize now, that I have let stress and pain erode my memory of all that God has done in the past. I needed to stop and remember how God carried me through the years of my life. I concluded He will be with me in my future as well. He will be present with me and JD through his upcoming surgery.
Remembering God’s character caused my arms to go limp. I’m done with wrestling. Instead, l am choosing to lean back into His tender arms of mercy. Peace is now seeping into all the nooks and crannies of my being as fear drains. “I will never be shaken” when I am with Him.
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